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Gentle Isn’t Weak

Rachael
Parent holding baby hand - representing gentle parenting and emotional connection.

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I recently had a conversation with my oldest daughter about training our new puppy. Since we adopted him, we hadn’t spent a lot of time working with him on basic commands, which unfortunately, caused many situations where we would yell at him, chase him and my husband once threw a shoe at him to get him to stop running away. Altogether, terrible pet parenting. I was overwhelmed with kids and life so he had gotten lost in the chaos, but after the shoe throwing incident I realized things had to change for his sake and ours.

During this conversation with my daughter, I explained how we had been simply controlling our puppy through fear and pain vs actually training and creating an understanding/connection with him. 

While children are clearly not puppies, I could draw many similar parallels to parenting because it is SO much easier sometimes to just yell, frighten our children into obedience and use fear tactics to gain compliance.  

Fear Vs Connecting in Parenting

Many of us were raised in homes that used authoritarian style parenting. Phrases like ‘I’ll give you something to cry about’, ‘My way or the highway’, ‘I’m your parent, not your friend’ and ‘Do what I say or else’ were commonly heard. We grew up doing things out of fear of punishment and anger from our parents instead of learning how to make wise decisions and manage our emotions in a healthy way.  This is why many of us decided to do things differently for our own children.

When gentle parenting is talked about, many people immediately think of permissive parenting. Letting your kids run wild and do whatever they want… but gentle parenting is the furthest thing from that. When we choose to gentle parent our children, we are choosing to take one of the hardest paths in regards to parenting.

In order to do this method of parenting, it requires incredible patience and self regulation. We are required to unlearn so many of our own triggers, how to manage our own emotions and make space for the budding emotions of small children at the same time.  It is sitting with an unregulated toddler while he cries and screams and being his safe space instead of hitting him and scaring him into silence.  We are giving our children a chance to learn healthy emotions, to mature in age appropriate ways without shaming them for feeling things and expressing those feelings.

Being the safe place for a screaming toddler having a meltdown or listening to your 8 year old express how angry they are about not being allowed to have extra time on the computer is not easy.  Gentle does not equate easy.  Gentle is holding space for a child who is learning to manage their emotions and helping them work through it in a healthy way.  It is holding boundaries without shouting or using physical force. Gentle is the quiet strength it takes to do our own inner healing with the goal of giving our children a chance at life with fewer wounds to heal and less trauma to unravel.

Gentle Isn’t Easy (Especially on Hard Days)

I have twin toddlers right now plus some neurodivergence scattered in among all of my children so emotions tend to run wild in my home. I myself am neurodivergent and tend to get overwhelmed easily in the midst of chaos, noise levels and lots of crying. I have learned that one of my biggest issues with gentle parenting is myself. I tend to do fine managing everyone’s emotions and regulating the home until suddenly I’m maxed out and snap. 

Learning to recognize the overwhelm starting to seep in has been my cue to take a noise break – sound proof headphones are my absolute best friend.  I tell the kids my brain is getting really overwhelmed and I need a break, pop the headphones on for 10-15 minutes with either music, a podcast or something that helps me regulate before jumping back into it again.  It’s so simple, but my goodness does it work. There have even been times I’ve calmed a crying toddler down with the headphones on to keep my emotions in check.

But gentle parenting isn’t just about managing toddler tantrums. I truly believe the heart of it all is building relationships with your children so that they feel understood, heard and valued.  There have been so many times I’ve not handled a situation in a great way, snapped at one of my children to ‘just do it and stop arguing’ or yelled at a toddler to make him stop crying.

It’s hard to get it right when we are still learning ourselves. Each of those times though, I make it a point to return to that child and apologize, hear their heart after we have all calmed down and make it right.  This is where the true magic happens because a child who feels heard and safe with you is going to keep conversations open, be more willing to listen when you speak and come to you for guidance.  Our goal as parents isn’t to control our children (or at least it shouldn’t be). Our goal as parents is to raise emotionally healthy, kind, smart adults and taking the time to cultivate that in our children is never wasted time. 

Real-Life Tools That Help

Three things that have helped me immensely on this gentle parenting journey have been:

  •  Emotions/calming charts – we use these ALL DAY EVERY DAY. These charts have even helped me recognize emotions and find ways to work through them instead of reacting or raising my voice. (These are the charts we use and love if you are looking for a set).
  • Giving myself breaks – either with the headphones or stepping outside for a moment when things get too heated with my older kids. Sometimes the best thing you can do is step away from the situation then come back after everyone has had a moment to think it over.
  • Remembering that my children are not giving me a hard time… they are having a hard time.  They don’t need punishment, they need guidance. When I go into situations and remember the meltdown isn’t because they’re being ‘bad’, it’s because they’re having a difficult time and need help working though it, having that mindset keeps me calm.

Give Yourself Grace

Parenting is not for the weak. Gentle parenting is hard but oh so worth it as your children learn to navigate their own emotions, remind you to breathe sometimes when you’re upset and know that you are their safe place, their biggest support system and that you will always be there for them. Even on the hard days, know that you are doing an incredible job as you fight to give your children the healthiest emotional life you possibly can while simultaneously learning how to do it yourself.  Give yourself a hug because you definitely deserve it. 

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Healing in the Midst of Motherhood

Rachael

Embracing the Mess, Finding Rest, and Nurturing Your True Self

This isn’t a post about perfect healing. This is about healing that happens with a toddler on your hip, unwashed hair and a cold cup of coffee on the counter.

Motherhood has taken me down into the darkest depths and also lifted my soul higher than I ever dreamed it could be.

I was raised believing that to be a good mother and wife, it was all about self sacrifice and silencing your own needs. I held to this belief for 10+ years of marriage with four small children – and it wasn’t until I gave birth to twins and was in the throes of postpartum depression, sleep deprivation and brokenness that I realized I could no longer ignore my own needs.

This is about how that moment radicalized me and the slow, painful but beautiful journey I’ve been on for the last two years to love myself, honor my body and listen to my own needs while being a still good (maybe even better) mother to my children.

The Lie We’re Told About Motherhood

Motherhood is so often depicted as easy, natural, fulfilling and beautiful.

We go into it expecting OUR motherhood experience to also be all those things.

Then when it’s not, we blame ourselves. We blame ourselves for being overstimulated from the noise, the constant demands and being touched out. We blame ourselves for even having simple needs such as needing sleep, time to eat or shower. We are often so busy caring for everyone else’s needs ours come in last place – and we wonder why we are so broken, lost, exhausted and don’t recognize ourselves anymore.

Growing up, I never once heard or saw a mother caring for her own needs – motherhood was the equivalent of servitude; the more you served and the less you cared for yourself, the better mother you were.

When I became a mother, I strove for perfection as I had seen modeled for me growing up – perfect meals, perfectly clean home, perfectly behaved children, perfect wife – and I was able to keep this up for almost ten years even though I was crumbling on the inside. Why did I do it? Because I thought it was what was right and I thought it was what every other mother out there was doing.

I just assumed I was the only one struggling to do it all.

After my twins were born, I was broken down to a level of exhaustion I had never experienced before. Trying to juggle six children, homeschool, navigate postpartum while caring for newborn twins AND breastfeeding in the midst of it all (thank you very much, formula shortage of 2022) almost killed me.

There were times I wanted it to just all be over, that’s how far my exhaustion and mental state had sunk to – and for the first time in my life I realized if I kept going at this pace I wasn’t going to survive it.

That was the moment something shifted. I knew that if I kept ignoring my own needs and putting everyone else first, then I was going to eventually run out of anything to give. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to pull myself up out of the dark pit of depression and exhaustion anymore – but somehow, I kept putting one foot in front of the other. That one foot in front of the other got me through it.

“There were times I wanted it all just to be over… and for the first time I realized: if I keep going at this pace, I won’t survive.”

How I Started to Heal

I began setting boundaries. The house got messy. I told my husband he had to handle dinner while I breastfed the twins. I began talking to myself with more kindness and giving myself the gentle grace to do the bare minimum – be proud I did it.

A kind soul reached out to me during this time offering a coaching session and my few hours with her launched in me a new era of healing and self love unlike I’ve ever known before. She sat with me through the darkness I’d never revealed to anyone before, listened to my heart break and gave me a foundation to begin putting myself back together again. (Shout out to Caroline Brown @carolinebrowncoaching – I will forever be grateful for the impact you made on my life and the trajectory you sent me on.)

My twins are now two and I am radically different than I was before they were born. I walked through fire and darkness – and emerged a new person that sees herself as someone with value, beauty and knows the importance of meeting my needs both physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Small things I do that have made the world of a difference in my life as a homeschool mom of 6 is:

  • Fueling myself in the morning. Not just coffee, but real food – usually something with protein to help regulate my blood sugar.
  • Recognizing overstimulation early. When I feel the noise and chaos building, I take a pause – noise-cancelling headphones, deep breaths, taking a step outside… a moment to regulate before the yelling starts.
  • House resets. Morning laundry + beds, mid-day toy pick-ups and evening clean-ups help us start fresh and keep the chaos at bay.
  • Connecting with nature. Following moon phases, journaling with intention and honouring seasonal rhythms brings me peace and purpose.
  • Using ChatGPT. Honestly – this little app helps me plan meals, manage overwhelm and makes me feel supported when I’m spiraling. It’s a tool I didn’t know I needed.

I still forget to eat or avoid food if it’s not exactly what my brain craves (thanks neurodivergence), I drink more coffee than water some days and I still feel guilty about saying no to my kids when I need a break.

“I am not perfect, but I am full of beauty, worth and joy.”

But I truly believe I am a better mother now. Being a good mother doesn’t mean destroying yourself for others. It doesn’t mean giving until there isn’t anything left. Being a good mother is being able to show up for your kids in a whole, healthy, regulated way and showing them how to advocate and care for themselves in a similar manner.

You Are Not Alone

As someone who grew up in an exhausted and anxious state of needing perfection to prove I’m worthy of love, there has been so much freedom in discovering that love and worth exists without perfection.

I am allowed to receive grace even when I don’t have it all together. I am not perfect, but I am so full of infinite beauty, worth and joy.

It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to not find fulfilment in giving of yourself until you’re a shell. That is not what motherhood is about or should be. It’s about finding little moments of joy and magic connecting with my kids, laughing together, being raw, real and beautiful through even the messy moments.

I’m learning that even on the days I become overstimulated and snap at one of my kids, that I am not a failure. I can apologize, and show them a real life example of being human, having needs and fixing our mistakes. I am giving myself the softness, gentleness and kindness that I wish I had for the first 34 years of my life – but I am so grateful to have now.

You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed in motherhood.

I believe we all are out here overstimulated, overwhelmed, exhausted and wondering why we’re struggling so much when the reality is it’s not just us… we’ve been told a lie that it’s supposed to be easy and we aren’t supposed to struggle or fall apart when we give until there’s nothing left.

Healing starts with whispers. My healing didn’t happen overnight… it began as a tiny belief that I was worth more than being a shattered human and I slowly started gathering the pieces back together again. It began with small acts of kindness towards myself, placing boundaries that prevented me from being stretched too thin and choosing to grow and not be crushed.

What’s Your Whisper?

What is one small whisper of kindness you can tell yourself today? That whisper that you tell yourself eventually becomes the roar that heals and protects you as you slowly, gently nurture it until it’s ready. Every step is important. Every choice to choose yourself is invaluable. You are worthy of love, joy and peace. Not just self sacrifice and brokenness.

Being a mother is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given as a woman. It’s also the hardest, most transforming and bone rattling experience I’ve ever been through – one that no one prepared me for.

I am healing and learning to love and care for myself -not just for myself, but for my daughters to have an example of what motherhood can be. That we can be whole, beautiful, sacred and healthy women while nurturing and caring for the ones we love. That love doesn’t have to look like abandoning ourselves, but instead pouring into ourselves so that we can continue pouring into those around us.

I would love to hear ways that you are healing and transforming as a mother and finding ways to show up for yourself in the midst of it all. It’s not an easy balance to find, but it’s so very, very worth it.

Tell me: what’s one whisper you’ve given yourself lately?

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Why I’m Starting this Blog (and Why I Almost Didn’t)

Rachael

If you had told me a year ago I’d be starting a blog, I probably would’ve laughed – and then cried a little, honestly.

I’m Rachael. Mom of six, including twin toddlers. Homeschooler. Former perfectionist. Recovering from exhaustion, sensory overload, self-doubt and the pressure to have it all together.

This blog isn’t born out of free time (because, let’s be real, what’s that?) – it’s born out of *need.* I needed a place to be real. To be honest. To write again. To create something that’s mine. To process healing and the heartbreak, the everyday chaos, the wins that only a tired mom notices and the magic moments we almost miss.

I’ve spent a long time being the glue for everyone else. This space is where I start remembering who I am, too.

Here, you won’t find picture-perfect routines or curated mom-life advice. You’ll find:

  • Homeschooling that bends to the child and the mother
  • Honest stories about healing, burnout, neurodivergence, and letting go of what doesn’t serve anymore
  • Magic in the mundane
  • Favorite finds – from Amazon to Goodwill – the things that actually help, not just to add to the noise
  • Soft encouragement to show up imperfectly and still be worthy

I almost didn’t start this because I didn’t feel like I had anything “official” to offer. But I’m starting anyway – because maybe what I have to offer is exactly what someone else needs to hear.

If you’re here, thank you. I hope this space makes you feel a little less alone.

Let’s Connect

If this post resonated with you, I’d love to stay in touch. You can find me sharing more cozy chaos, Amazon finds and soft encouragement here: