Embracing the Mess, Finding Rest, and Nurturing Your True Self
This isn’t a post about perfect healing. This is about healing that happens with a toddler on your hip, unwashed hair and a cold cup of coffee on the counter.
Motherhood has taken me down into the darkest depths and also lifted my soul higher than I ever dreamed it could be.
I was raised believing that to be a good mother and wife, it was all about self sacrifice and silencing your own needs. I held to this belief for 10+ years of marriage with four small children – and it wasn’t until I gave birth to twins and was in the throes of postpartum depression, sleep deprivation and brokenness that I realized I could no longer ignore my own needs.
This is about how that moment radicalized me and the slow, painful but beautiful journey I’ve been on for the last two years to love myself, honor my body and listen to my own needs while being a still good (maybe even better) mother to my children.
The Lie We’re Told About Motherhood
Motherhood is so often depicted as easy, natural, fulfilling and beautiful.
We go into it expecting OUR motherhood experience to also be all those things.
Then when it’s not, we blame ourselves. We blame ourselves for being overstimulated from the noise, the constant demands and being touched out. We blame ourselves for even having simple needs such as needing sleep, time to eat or shower. We are often so busy caring for everyone else’s needs ours come in last place – and we wonder why we are so broken, lost, exhausted and don’t recognize ourselves anymore.
Growing up, I never once heard or saw a mother caring for her own needs – motherhood was the equivalent of servitude; the more you served and the less you cared for yourself, the better mother you were.
When I became a mother, I strove for perfection as I had seen modeled for me growing up – perfect meals, perfectly clean home, perfectly behaved children, perfect wife – and I was able to keep this up for almost ten years even though I was crumbling on the inside. Why did I do it? Because I thought it was what was right and I thought it was what every other mother out there was doing.
I just assumed I was the only one struggling to do it all.
After my twins were born, I was broken down to a level of exhaustion I had never experienced before. Trying to juggle six children, homeschool, navigate postpartum while caring for newborn twins AND breastfeeding in the midst of it all (thank you very much, formula shortage of 2022) almost killed me.
There were times I wanted it to just all be over, that’s how far my exhaustion and mental state had sunk to – and for the first time in my life I realized if I kept going at this pace I wasn’t going to survive it.
That was the moment something shifted. I knew that if I kept ignoring my own needs and putting everyone else first, then I was going to eventually run out of anything to give. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to pull myself up out of the dark pit of depression and exhaustion anymore – but somehow, I kept putting one foot in front of the other. That one foot in front of the other got me through it.
“There were times I wanted it all just to be over… and for the first time I realized: if I keep going at this pace, I won’t survive.”
How I Started to Heal
I began setting boundaries. The house got messy. I told my husband he had to handle dinner while I breastfed the twins. I began talking to myself with more kindness and giving myself the gentle grace to do the bare minimum – be proud I did it.
A kind soul reached out to me during this time offering a coaching session and my few hours with her launched in me a new era of healing and self love unlike I’ve ever known before. She sat with me through the darkness I’d never revealed to anyone before, listened to my heart break and gave me a foundation to begin putting myself back together again. (Shout out to Caroline Brown @carolinebrowncoaching – I will forever be grateful for the impact you made on my life and the trajectory you sent me on.)
My twins are now two and I am radically different than I was before they were born. I walked through fire and darkness – and emerged a new person that sees herself as someone with value, beauty and knows the importance of meeting my needs both physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
Small things I do that have made the world of a difference in my life as a homeschool mom of 6 is:
- Fueling myself in the morning. Not just coffee, but real food – usually something with protein to help regulate my blood sugar.
- Recognizing overstimulation early. When I feel the noise and chaos building, I take a pause – noise-cancelling headphones, deep breaths, taking a step outside… a moment to regulate before the yelling starts.
- House resets. Morning laundry + beds, mid-day toy pick-ups and evening clean-ups help us start fresh and keep the chaos at bay.
- Connecting with nature. Following moon phases, journaling with intention and honouring seasonal rhythms brings me peace and purpose.
- Using ChatGPT. Honestly – this little app helps me plan meals, manage overwhelm and makes me feel supported when I’m spiraling. It’s a tool I didn’t know I needed.
I still forget to eat or avoid food if it’s not exactly what my brain craves (thanks neurodivergence), I drink more coffee than water some days and I still feel guilty about saying no to my kids when I need a break.
“I am not perfect, but I am full of beauty, worth and joy.”
But I truly believe I am a better mother now. Being a good mother doesn’t mean destroying yourself for others. It doesn’t mean giving until there isn’t anything left. Being a good mother is being able to show up for your kids in a whole, healthy, regulated way and showing them how to advocate and care for themselves in a similar manner.
You Are Not Alone
As someone who grew up in an exhausted and anxious state of needing perfection to prove I’m worthy of love, there has been so much freedom in discovering that love and worth exists without perfection.
I am allowed to receive grace even when I don’t have it all together. I am not perfect, but I am so full of infinite beauty, worth and joy.
It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to not find fulfilment in giving of yourself until you’re a shell. That is not what motherhood is about or should be. It’s about finding little moments of joy and magic connecting with my kids, laughing together, being raw, real and beautiful through even the messy moments.
I’m learning that even on the days I become overstimulated and snap at one of my kids, that I am not a failure. I can apologize, and show them a real life example of being human, having needs and fixing our mistakes. I am giving myself the softness, gentleness and kindness that I wish I had for the first 34 years of my life – but I am so grateful to have now.
You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed in motherhood.
I believe we all are out here overstimulated, overwhelmed, exhausted and wondering why we’re struggling so much when the reality is it’s not just us… we’ve been told a lie that it’s supposed to be easy and we aren’t supposed to struggle or fall apart when we give until there’s nothing left.
Healing starts with whispers. My healing didn’t happen overnight… it began as a tiny belief that I was worth more than being a shattered human and I slowly started gathering the pieces back together again. It began with small acts of kindness towards myself, placing boundaries that prevented me from being stretched too thin and choosing to grow and not be crushed.
What’s Your Whisper?
What is one small whisper of kindness you can tell yourself today? That whisper that you tell yourself eventually becomes the roar that heals and protects you as you slowly, gently nurture it until it’s ready. Every step is important. Every choice to choose yourself is invaluable. You are worthy of love, joy and peace. Not just self sacrifice and brokenness.
Being a mother is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given as a woman. It’s also the hardest, most transforming and bone rattling experience I’ve ever been through – one that no one prepared me for.
I am healing and learning to love and care for myself -not just for myself, but for my daughters to have an example of what motherhood can be. That we can be whole, beautiful, sacred and healthy women while nurturing and caring for the ones we love. That love doesn’t have to look like abandoning ourselves, but instead pouring into ourselves so that we can continue pouring into those around us.
I would love to hear ways that you are healing and transforming as a mother and finding ways to show up for yourself in the midst of it all. It’s not an easy balance to find, but it’s so very, very worth it.
Tell me: what’s one whisper you’ve given yourself lately?
RealisticallyRachael 